Villains of Golden Megalopolis
Once Golden Megalopolis hit hard times, master criminals emerged from the woodwork to drive it even further into a deep debt. Looting it's remaining wealth deposits, these vandals continue to plot, plunder and prosper from it. 40 Ounce Antagonizer Barrell Chest Commutron As of this writing, there has been much rumor and speculation concerning the mysterious origin of the artifical being known as Commutron. One version of the story is that he is actually the former herald of Urbanus*, Devourer of Soul Food Restaurants. However, Urbanus has not yet arrived in Ghettopolis Golden Megalopolis, causing many heroes to doubt this theory. Commutron himself has not commented on this, so it’s an equal mystery as to where this rumor started. It’s also said that Commutron actually began “life” as a prankish installation courtesy of the Paintaloonies, infamous Megalopolis-based art terrorists. According to this fascinating rumor, Commutron’s actual “birth” occurred many years ago at an album release party thrown by the once marginally popular “back-to-Africa” rap group Destitute Scholars. Apparently, the evil mustache-twirling magician Presto Kadabra '''was in attendance and located the Commutron installation in the “art exhibit” room of the party. Summoning his amazing powers of cheap stagecraft, Kadabra bought Commutron to LIFE before a startled throng of hip-hop fans already stoned and drunk. Commutron then promptly bolted from the scene and jumped in a cab, thus beginning his DIABOLICAL CAREER OF…..commuting. A variation on this rumor states that Presto Kadabra was actually given the power to bring Commutron to life by none other than Urbanus. But, like the first rumor mentioned, it seems unlikely for the fact that Urbanus was supposed to hit the city years ago. Armchair theorists who support this rumor maintain that Urbanus’ failure to arrive in Golden Megalopolis was due to the triple bypass he had to undergo after swallowing an Uncle Rufus’ Juke Joint Juice restaurant somewhere in the outskirts of the city of '''Greenstampington. Even though this particular rumor is somewhat dubious, it’s a bit more plausible that the first rumor. And finally, there is the theory that Commutron was completely brought to life by his creators – The Paintaloonies. As mentioned before, the former prank known as Commutron could be found riding various modes of Golden Megalopolis public transportation as a lifeless mannequin – always with a couple pf Paintaloonies nearby for easy recovery. Commutron suffered no vandalism problems, as a remote-controlled refried bean fart gas could be activated from Commutron’s ass module via remote control operated by the closest Paintaloony. This theory also dictates that Commutron’s “birth” at the albulm release party was performed by a MEMBER of the Paintaloonies DISGUISED as Presto Kadabra. This liberty was taken with the knowledge that the REAL Presto Kadabra would be grateful for any rumor about himself, as he is a chronically out of work/broke-ass magician. In theory (as in reality), he would relish in this sort of “free publicity” and frequently takes credit for anything with his name attached to it. To those looking for comments from any member of the Paintaloonies, good luck- They tend to reply to such questions with annoying riddles and unrelated parables. Commutron himself doesn’t comment much on anything-except how ineffective and incompetent the heroes of Golden Megalopolis are. To their faces. As mentioned before, Commutron always has fare due to a special feature on the Farewell Ray. In short, he steals other peoples’ fare without their knowledge. He is possessed with the speed and strength of 10 commuters on 20 pots of coffee. Because of this, he reigns supreme on any crowded transportation he chooses, and has no problems with muggers/vandals/etc. When Commutron desires to appear slightly incognito, he simply dons a trenchcoat and a typical businessman’s fedora. The police helpess against him simply because Ghettoplis cops “don’t get paid enough to deal with that kinda crazy sheeyit.” Crate-Head Real Name: "Buschard" Arch-enemy: The Stache' The Villain known as Crate-Head began his career in crime in the early 80's as an importer of all things illegal. Back then he was simply known as Buschard. His crime syndicate operated near the north end of Lagoona Beach in upper Golden Megalopolis from abandonded warehouses and factories. His chief imports were: *Cuban cigarettes (not cigars! He needed an angle on the market!) *Bavarian sea donkey leather *Parisian silk from China *Illegal moonshine (not the legal kind!) *Shark skin suits (made from the finest of Blue Shark hide) For three years, Buschard prospered from his shady dealings, until he caught the attention of Rick "The Stache'" Rogers . During an important shippment of a mysterious Tuvan chemical compound, The Stache' ambushed his lair and shot a hanging crate down from a hoist on to Buschard's head. The crate became affixed to him, and he was unable to remove it. He fled blindly from the Liquid Nitrogen factory as it was set to release all of nitrogen vats contents. The Stache' was left frozen however. After that skirmish, Buschard disappeared from the Destitute Scholars Members: Speak E-Z, D.J. Allah Ka Zam, 2BLACK, Cussonya, and 40 Ounce. Arch-enemy:'' ''Street Sweepah , Black Pigeon Destitute Scholars was a black-o-centric rap group founded by the rapper Speak E-Z and D.J. Allah Ka Zam (not-so-secret identity of Allah Ka Zam, superhero magician and Presto Kadabra’s chief foil). They burst onto Golden Megalopolis’ hip hop scene years ago with the single “Goetz Da Fuck Out”, an attack on New York “subway vigilante” Bernie Goetz. Since then, their not-so-impressive selling catalogue consists of the following albums: Poor Education Fear of a Broke Planet The Low Income Theory Mind Over Money Peace To The Mau-Mau Nation One-shot singles: “Git Yo Learn On” “Goetz Ta Jammin’” (Allah’s remix of'' “Goetz Da Fuck Out”'') “Egypt (The Mummy Was a Black Man)” As of this writing, Destitute Scholars are on the eve of releasing their comeback album Peolple’s Instinctive Travels To The Welfare Office. It’s also rumored that Allah Ka Zam is being sued by the producers of the Shaquille O’Neal flop Kazamm over possible copyright infringement. Diamond X Evizzle Fo' Shizzle Evizzle Fo' Shizzle is the black soul of Golden Megalopolis. He runs things from the dark shadows and pulls the strings of other criminals of the underworld when it suits his needs. His methods are based in the supernatural? The scientific? Nobody knows for sure if he even exists, or is a figment of the city's urban legends. None have seen his face in the light. It is not known what his real face may be. He has taken a special interest on the heroes of Golden Megalopolis. Will they be his foil? His pawns? Or will he set out to string them along until he crushes them with one devastating blow? His plans for the run-down city are mysterious, as are his motivations. Those who've dealt with him are either dead, or in his servitude! King Krab Real Name: Sheldon Pinchov '' Arch-Enemy: ''Super Fabulous Frog Kool Myst Mirth Minstrel Real Name: Conrad Quiverknife Arch-Enemy: Street Sweepah, Trash Talkah Conrad Quiverknife leads a life of fantasy. In this fantasy, he is the consummate Shakespearean hero, who inhabits realms of the renaissance era. He is dashing, brave and noble. He is also quick at the tongue. With a tongue as sharp as his, one could slit his own throat. Then, there is reality; Conrad Quiverknife was a pencil-necked, frail, drama club freak. Constantly picked on, Conrad delved into the rich works of Shakespeare, and immersed himself into the days when men wore tights on an everyday basis, and enjoyed feathers in their hats. Renaissance Faire is HIS Christmas season. That was his escape. He became so enthralled by stage plays; he became the school's finest actor. By senior year, he was head of the Drama club. It was that year that he planned his magnum opus: Macbeth 2 Paintaloonies The Paintaloonies '''are a band of self-described “art terrorists” founded and led by one '''Jose Luis Macarena, who dropped out of Ghettopolis Golden Megalopolis Community College (he signed up for a few art courses). This multi-racial organization derived their name from their “uniform” paint splattered pants ( or “pantalones”). They tread the line between jolly pranksters and gangbangers (albeit with semi-supervillain-like tendencies and motives). Nearly all of the graffiti in Golden Megalopolis is courtesy of this group. One of their most infamous “pranks” involved directing rush hour traffic into the city pond via cleverly painted murals. 'Penny Pincher' 'Presto Kadabra' Real Name: Preston Qa'dib Presto Kadabra is the stage name of Preston Qa’dib, born of Saudi and Eastern European stock. He is a failed vaudeville-styled magician turned “supervillain” complete with Dracula cape and Fu Manchu mustache. He occasionally foils and confounds the heroes of Ghettoplois Golden Megalopolis with his embarrassingly cheap and corny magic tricks. Steakston Urbanus The mysterious Urbanus is not ONLY the Devourer Of Soul Food Restaurants, He also goes by the kicknames: “Urbanus the Soul-Eater”, “He-Who-Stole-the-Soul”,And “Dat Fat-Ass Muhfugga”. Urbanus is abeing of immense hunger whose sole purpose of existence is, of course, to devour as many soul food shacks as possible. He knows no compassion, no morales, no restraint. Before he descends upon a city containing a soul food district, he usually sends a herald beforehand to promote his arrival. Past heralds have included Ghettoblaster (a late 70’s/early 80’s throwback who could decimate a city block with his boombox) and Highflyer (clad in homless rags, relentlessly handing out and pasting up flyers in a drug-induced dementia). These heralds have been accidentally defeated by Golden Megalopolis’ heroes, thus delaying Urbanus’ arrival (he refuses to make an appearance without any prior hype on the street/media coverage). War-Guilder Real Name: Harold Gerald Harold Gerald is addicted to the computer game World of Warguilds. In an attempt to play continuously, he moved his fridge and computer set up into his bathroom. Yes, he can eat and shit while playing. After his 100th day of playing straight, the combination of leaking water from the fridge, noxious fumes of the toilet and faulty wiring on his computer caused an explosion, hence making him the War Guilder, a severly disturbed man-child who takes orders from, yes, you guessed it, a Sacagawea coin that he kept in his pocket that has somehow come to life and is giving him his missions or quests. These would involve bizzare robberies, wherein the money collected would be viewed as gold and experience points.